It’s has been getting emotionally harder these days. Ever since Emile’s 4th birthday on the 22nd I am flooded with all these emotions and tears. Emile blew a wish flower ( Dandelion) and wished for his dad to come back. That broke my heart. I keep replaying that line in my head . Emile looked at me ” mom is gonna cry’ . I don’t understand how he can be so brave. It’s getting harder to look at your photos and videos. The little voice in the back of my mind is ” is he on drugs here’. The pain you were dealing with in silence must have been a heavy burden for you as well. So many questions I have , how I have to let go to the idea that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of your life. We gave you everything , and I cry because how much Emile loves you. I I wonder if you felt sad about it or is it all bigger than what we could have even understood. . I wonder if I will ever trust again . Yesterday I was asking for a sign , something to know you were around and then Emile and I had seen the biggest rainbow I have ever seen , It was a special rainbow, the sun was come coming out and the clouds were big and right there was a complete half circle if a large rainbow so vibrant.
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