death

It’s has been getting emotionally harder these days. Ever since Emile’s 4th birthday on the 22nd I am flooded with all these emotions and tears. Emile blew a wish flower ( Dandelion) and wished for his dad to come back. That broke my heart. I keep replaying that line in my head . Emile looked at me ” mom is gonna cry’ . I don’t understand how he can be so brave. It’s getting harder to look at your photos and videos. The little voice in the back of my mind is ” is he on drugs here’. The pain you were dealing with in silence must have been a heavy burden for you as well. So many questions I have , how I have to let go to the idea that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of your life. We gave you everything , and I cry because how much Emile loves you. I I wonder if you felt sad about it or is it all bigger than what we could have even understood. . I wonder if I will ever trust again . Yesterday I was asking for a sign , something to know you were around and then Emile and I had seen the biggest rainbow I have ever seen , It was a special rainbow, the sun was come coming out and the clouds were big and right there was a complete half circle if a large rainbow so vibrant.

You don’t know how badly it hurts until all the dust have settled and all the unanswered questions starts getting unearthed . The pain goes both ways and now I am left here needing to be strong for both of us; our son. To be strong mother and caretaker , the one making all the decisions ; taking Emile to his classes , to the park on playdates, doctor appointments and to pay the bills. All while being ok and crying during our sons tantrums ; reading the books on death because he is hurting deeply too.

You left us here. You left us heartbroken . You left us in more pain. I could have never imagined this was going to be part of my story our story , our sons story . How un-inportant we really are to just be a “that happens to other people problem. ” How tragic this really is to be part of the “other people problem ” club. Too actually be going through surviving a loved ones death and becoming a widow, sole parent.

On top of making matters more challenging I have a case open with the social services because of false claims you made prior to your departure from this world. I not even sure if the statement came from you or the intoxicating poisons you were consuming before going to the police department for an incident that took place 4 evening prior to your death . A incident where violence occured and you were being aggressive and my friends’ boyfriend sucker punched you leaving you with a broken cheekbone. That night I wish I could turn back the clock because I wonder if that night didn’t happen you would still be here today.

I cried with you the day before you died . I was scared you were gonna spiral out . I was scared for you. We forgave each other and we were ok for the following days. We held each other while I was so sick in bed. Emile and I were sick and had spent about 5 days in bed already trying to sleep off this cold that snuck up on us tuning into acute bronchitis.

I cry even more now that it’s been almost a month now. I reflect on the fact that you were sick . You had gaslighted me , the relationship was toxic and you had too many secrets that you took to the grave. But even during my anger and sadness I think about your heart. About how you were just in pain and were hiding or running from it.

This is our new journey and its not even about me anymore, I can’t turn off the mom switch. Friends I once had will never know the pain I feel. This is our new reality. There is so much more to this story .

Tag: death

I cry in Silence .

Heart broken : After death