The weather has been raining for multiple days in a row now and it reminds me of the time we experienced the heavy rains here in California days after your death in the beginning of January 2023 . California hasn’t seen this much rain in a while and like you (Jose) predicted this may cause another year of super blooms in the spring. The last super bloom we had was when Emile was born back in 2019 and we went to check out the California poppys.
The rain , I take it as a symbol of the grieving and tears of your sudden death . You ( Jose ) was always connected to the water and I just remember all he interacted with the rain from running and hiking during the rainfall and the cold dips in the ocean . To his iconic bare-feet everywhere he went everywhere he hiked . always grounded. This death makes no sense.
My mom told me my sister had a dream that he came back just a little while to help me out . She also had a dream that you ( Jose ) walked up resurrected but only to have his eyes shut closed. O how I miss the love and friendship we shared together. I miss our travels and exploring new places together.
My friend suggested I pray for him to open a way for me ; to help me from the other side guide our new path for Emile and I . To find love. To be able to come in healing with this traumatic life event.
I have been in my head so much these days and some days are harder than other , but I keep on working . I am wondering if I am falling into depression or this is grieving a loss more extreme then being rejected or a breakup . This is a whole different kind of pain. But, I keep on doing what I can to get better . I rest when I need to and hike when I need fresh air.
I decided I was going to imagine how my life may look like when I am healed from this . To pick up on my passions once this nightmare because less and less. When I catch my rhythm again . No self sabotaging myself just protect my energy. I am on this healing path . Create my own creative haven . To find my community in the act of love and healing . No more confusion . No more energy vampires.
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